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How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 15
General Information Subtitles 1 00:00:03,863 --> 00:00:06,439 Kids, something you might not know about your Uncle Marshall 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,548 is that he's always been good at games. 3 00:00:08,622 --> 00:00:10,077 I mean, unbeatable. 4 00:00:10,139 --> 00:00:11,101 Gin! 5 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,717 Yahtzee! 6 00:00:15,632 --> 00:00:16,741 Poker! 7 00:00:17,508 --> 00:00:20,004 You don't have to shout out "poker" when you win. 8 00:00:20,005 --> 00:00:21,970 I know. It's just fun to say. 9 00:00:22,371 --> 00:00:25,273 We all finally agreed Marshall should be running our game nights 10 00:00:25,274 --> 00:00:26,820 instead of playing in them. 11 00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:29,990 Which he took to mean, "invent your own game." 12 00:00:29,990 --> 00:00:33,033 It's called "Marsh-gammon." 13 00:00:33,043 --> 00:00:35,596 It combines all the best features of all the best games-- 14 00:00:35,596 --> 00:00:38,012 Candy Land, I Never, Pictionary. 15 00:00:38,013 --> 00:00:39,253 Backgammon, obviously. 16 00:00:39,254 --> 00:00:41,349 No. Backgammon sucks. 17 00:00:41,392 --> 00:00:43,868 I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon," 18 00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,855 and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs. 19 00:00:47,694 --> 00:00:50,253 I'm so excited Victoria's coming. 20 00:00:50,254 --> 00:00:51,924 I'm going to go get another round. 21 00:00:52,146 --> 00:00:54,511 Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. 22 00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:57,579 Barney, I actually like Victoria... a lot, 23 00:00:57,580 --> 00:00:59,608 so don't say anything embarrass... 24 00:00:59,609 --> 00:01:01,034 Don't say anything. 25 00:01:01,657 --> 00:01:06,783 And guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin, 26 00:01:06,784 --> 00:01:11,352 - so we you could just avoid the... - Well, well, well. How rich. 27 00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:14,869 You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, 28 00:01:14,870 --> 00:01:17,895 yet, you have been lying to her since day one. 29 00:01:18,141 --> 00:01:19,251 Excuse me. 30 00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:23,778 Hi. Leg Warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. 31 00:01:24,162 --> 00:01:26,001 So, nothing for him to stand on? 32 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,386 Okay, and thanks so much. 33 00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:33,094 Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for Robin? 34 00:01:33,095 --> 00:01:37,594 I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return. 35 00:01:37,779 --> 00:01:40,343 No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that. 36 00:01:40,344 --> 00:01:44,523 Ooh, I am smelling dirt. What is the story of the re-return? 37 00:01:44,524 --> 00:01:46,173 Nothing. It's nothing. 38 00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:49,981 And speaking of digging up dirt, can I count on you two to behave around Victoria? 39 00:01:49,982 --> 00:01:52,592 Us? What would we do? 40 00:01:52,593 --> 00:01:56,063 Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have 41 00:01:56,064 --> 00:01:58,244 and, in fact, moved here to get away from. 42 00:01:58,245 --> 00:02:03,247 However, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight? 43 00:02:03,693 --> 00:02:04,924 - Fine. - Fine. 44 00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:06,010 Thank you. 45 00:02:06,141 --> 00:02:08,006 I should go help Robin. 46 00:02:10,718 --> 00:02:12,169 - Hey. - Hey. 47 00:02:12,525 --> 00:02:15,968 So, are you going to be okay hanging out with Victoria tonight? 48 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,170 Oh, sure. She's great. 49 00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:21,227 Oh, what? Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Ted? 50 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,934 No. Victoria's great. 51 00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:25,941 She's fun, she's free-spirited, she's great. 52 00:02:26,475 --> 00:02:28,497 I said, "She's great" too many times, didn't I? 53 00:02:28,498 --> 00:02:30,339 You must really hate the bitch. 54 00:02:31,592 --> 00:02:35,932 But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, 55 00:02:35,933 --> 00:02:39,165 then you "Marshall out," and all your chips go into the pot, 56 00:02:39,166 --> 00:02:44,204 and remember, if you ever ask the question "What?", then... 57 00:02:44,286 --> 00:02:46,902 you got to drink. Got it? 58 00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:51,716 Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just start, you guys'll pick it up. 59 00:02:51,717 --> 00:02:53,621 Newbie goes first. Roll. 60 00:02:53,622 --> 00:02:54,764 Okay. 61 00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:56,651 Three! 62 00:02:56,652 --> 00:02:58,996 You got Autobiography. 63 00:02:58,997 --> 00:03:01,438 Now, that's where you have to answer a personal question 64 00:03:01,439 --> 00:03:04,421 about your dating life truthfully in order to move on. 65 00:03:04,422 --> 00:03:05,432 Marshall, come on. 66 00:03:05,433 --> 00:03:08,181 Hey, she's the one who rolled a three. 67 00:03:09,795 --> 00:03:14,812 Victoria, "Have you ever cheated while in a relationship?" 68 00:03:14,813 --> 00:03:16,613 Wow, good question. 69 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,416 - You don't have to answer that. - It's okay. 70 00:03:18,417 --> 00:03:23,749 Um, well, I was in a really crappy relationship in college, 71 00:03:23,750 --> 00:03:27,459 and I wound up kissing this guy at a party one night, 72 00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:31,983 and I felt terrible about it, so, I came clean, and we broke up. 73 00:03:33,196 --> 00:03:36,672 Victoria, that was an honest and mature answer. 74 00:03:36,673 --> 00:03:38,777 You may advance to The Gumdrop Mountains. 75 00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:44,277 So Victoria, did you ever re-return to this guy? 76 00:03:44,278 --> 00:03:45,194 What? 77 00:03:45,195 --> 00:03:46,854 You said what, you got to drink! 78 00:03:48,668 --> 00:03:52,664 Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party in that new building on 82nd, 79 00:03:52,665 --> 00:03:54,463 and the host said she knew you. 80 00:03:54,464 --> 00:03:56,765 What is her name? Sharon? Shannon? 81 00:03:56,766 --> 00:03:58,055 Shannon?! 82 00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:00,157 Shannon, Shannon... 83 00:04:00,601 --> 00:04:03,301 No, don't remember any Shannon. 84 00:04:03,302 --> 00:04:05,969 Really? Well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give... 85 00:04:05,970 --> 00:04:07,295 Where's the tape? 86 00:04:09,584 --> 00:04:11,638 Fine. I'll go get it. 87 00:04:11,705 --> 00:04:13,944 Cool, okay. You know, whenever. 88 00:04:14,137 --> 00:04:17,190 Okay, Robin, your roll. 89 00:04:18,706 --> 00:04:22,660 Five! Another Autobiography... 90 00:04:22,726 --> 00:04:25,266 for the player to your left, which... 91 00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:26,835 Victoria! 92 00:04:26,951 --> 00:04:28,507 Of course. 93 00:04:28,571 --> 00:04:34,759 Victoria, "How many boyfriends did you have before you started dating Ted?" 94 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,666 Wait, the card actually says "Ted?" 95 00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:40,602 Okay, uh, well, boyfriends--I guess I've only had... two. 96 00:04:40,603 --> 00:04:41,891 Prude alert. 97 00:04:42,903 --> 00:04:45,911 Well... that's serious boyfriends. 98 00:04:45,912 --> 00:04:47,602 I've dated other guys in between. 99 00:04:47,603 --> 00:04:49,941 Oh, slut alert! 100 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:55,751 Oh, great, there it is. Thanks, Lily. You're a peach. 101 00:05:04,655 --> 00:05:06,687 Oh, wow, look at that. 102 00:05:06,688 --> 00:05:09,654 Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp. That's five chips for me. 103 00:05:09,655 --> 00:05:12,846 Thank you! Finally somebody understands Marsh-gammon. 104 00:05:13,316 --> 00:05:16,208 Barney, what was on that tape? 105 00:05:16,209 --> 00:05:17,578 Too bad you'll never find out. 106 00:05:17,579 --> 00:05:18,808 Oh, damn it! 107 00:05:18,809 --> 00:05:23,377 If only I'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse. 108 00:05:23,378 --> 00:05:25,653 Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did. 109 00:05:25,654 --> 00:05:26,444 What?! 110 00:05:26,445 --> 00:05:27,388 Drink! 111 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:33,032 Yeah, you were acting so weird about it, I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead. 112 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,440 So, should we pop it in? 113 00:05:34,441 --> 00:05:36,293 - Give it to me, give it, give me... - Play the tape, play it, play it! 114 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,687 - Ted! - Fine, fine. 115 00:05:39,824 --> 00:05:41,218 You cannot play it. 116 00:05:44,672 --> 00:05:45,943 Shannon! 117 00:05:46,114 --> 00:05:47,700 I love you! 118 00:05:48,272 --> 00:05:50,469 I love you so much. 119 00:05:52,062 --> 00:05:55,200 What about us changing the world together? 120 00:05:55,482 --> 00:05:57,699 Don't tell me you've forgotten. 121 00:05:57,700 --> 00:05:59,601 I know I haven't. 122 00:06:02,291 --> 00:06:08,326 Will I ever see another rainbow? 123 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:14,872 Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? 124 00:06:14,873 --> 00:06:16,875 Baby, please 125 00:06:17,925 --> 00:06:20,159 Don't go 126 00:06:22,069 --> 00:06:24,695 There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love 127 00:06:24,696 --> 00:06:26,818 There's a thief in the palace and she's... 128 00:06:35,864 --> 00:06:37,337 Did you try his cell phone? 129 00:06:37,338 --> 00:06:38,793 Yeah, I left two messages. 130 00:06:38,794 --> 00:06:41,020 I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard. 131 00:06:41,021 --> 00:06:42,610 He's off the grid. 132 00:06:43,583 --> 00:06:45,438 Hey, guys, what up? 133 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:46,783 Barney, where have you been? 134 00:06:46,784 --> 00:06:48,746 Yeah, we're-we're really sorry about that. 135 00:06:48,747 --> 00:06:50,910 Yeah, so sorry. 136 00:06:51,195 --> 00:06:53,965 But seriously, what was up with the tape? 137 00:06:53,966 --> 00:06:55,392 - No, no, stay. - Come on, Barney. 138 00:06:55,393 --> 00:06:56,538 - Come on. - Stay! 139 00:06:56,539 --> 00:06:57,695 I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it. 140 00:06:57,696 --> 00:07:01,273 It was the most embarrassing, and humiliating thing that ever happened to me. 141 00:07:01,274 --> 00:07:03,283 Well, we all have embarrassing stories. 142 00:07:03,284 --> 00:07:05,062 Sometimes it's good to-to talk about it. 143 00:07:05,063 --> 00:07:06,239 Oh, really? 144 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,520 Then why don't you tell us your most humiliating moment, Marshall? 145 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,723 Show me how good it is. 146 00:07:13,913 --> 00:07:15,137 All right. 147 00:07:15,608 --> 00:07:18,755 I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, 148 00:07:18,756 --> 00:07:20,721 but they were all at recess. 149 00:07:20,722 --> 00:07:23,910 I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. 150 00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:30,658 It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down. 151 00:07:31,664 --> 00:07:35,689 What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom. 152 00:07:39,848 --> 00:07:41,820 I wish I'd pulled up my pants. 153 00:07:47,740 --> 00:07:50,690 The kids still call him Funny Butt. 154 00:07:52,525 --> 00:07:55,834 Okay. I'll tell you my story. 155 00:07:56,135 --> 00:08:00,740 Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today. 156 00:08:01,108 --> 00:08:02,829 It was 1998. 157 00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:06,801 I was just out of college, and I was working at a coffeehouse with my girlfriend. 158 00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:09,383 My girlfriend... Shannon. 159 00:08:09,785 --> 00:08:12,738 Yeah, you were meant for me 160 00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:16,194 And I was meant for you 161 00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:18,883 Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. 162 00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:20,843 Thank you. 163 00:08:24,583 --> 00:08:25,813 All right. 164 00:08:25,957 --> 00:08:27,793 I love your singing, Barney. 165 00:08:27,794 --> 00:08:30,013 And I love you, Shannon. 166 00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:34,008 Joining the Peace Corps with you is gonna be legendary. 167 00:08:34,009 --> 00:08:38,069 I know. Only five short weeks till we're down in Nicaragua. 168 00:08:38,199 --> 00:08:40,780 Hey, nonfat latte to go. 169 00:08:40,842 --> 00:08:43,998 Mellow order, bro, mellow order. 170 00:08:44,963 --> 00:08:46,976 Dude, that your g-friend? 171 00:08:46,977 --> 00:08:48,634 All right, high five! 172 00:08:48,635 --> 00:08:51,377 Sorry, I only give high twos. 173 00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:54,632 Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that. 174 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:56,739 Listen to you. 175 00:08:56,740 --> 00:08:57,886 That? 176 00:08:57,887 --> 00:09:01,473 You know, women aren't objects. They're human beings. 177 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,616 And FYI, Shannon and I have decided to wait till we're married. 178 00:09:04,617 --> 00:09:06,648 You can read about it in my zine. 179 00:09:07,156 --> 00:09:08,901 Hey, haircut, right here. 180 00:09:08,902 --> 00:09:11,075 Open up your knowledge basket, 'cause here it comes. 181 00:09:11,076 --> 00:09:12,386 Forget that touchy-feely crap. 182 00:09:12,387 --> 00:09:15,056 You get money, you get laid. End of discussion. 183 00:09:15,057 --> 00:09:17,075 I feel sorry for you, man. 184 00:09:17,542 --> 00:09:19,114 Peace out, hombre. 185 00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:22,644 Suits. 186 00:09:24,322 --> 00:09:27,646 Five weeks later, we were all set to leave for the Peace Corps. 187 00:09:27,647 --> 00:09:29,386 Only problem was... 188 00:09:30,339 --> 00:09:32,036 she never showed up. 189 00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:38,388 She never showed? 190 00:09:38,569 --> 00:09:40,357 So, what happened next? 191 00:09:41,723 --> 00:09:43,312 You know what? This was a mistake. 192 00:09:43,313 --> 00:09:47,390 Wait... What if somebody else told their most humiliating story? 193 00:09:47,391 --> 00:09:49,337 Oh, I know just how to decide who. 194 00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:51,816 You brought the game to the bar? 195 00:09:51,817 --> 00:09:53,809 Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead. 196 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,157 I was winning? 197 00:10:00,212 --> 00:10:02,186 Fine. I'll go next. 198 00:10:02,187 --> 00:10:05,782 I was doing a report on live TV about a hansom cab driver. 199 00:10:05,783 --> 00:10:08,177 Not the slipping-in-horse-poop story! 200 00:10:08,178 --> 00:10:09,693 Yeah, we all know that one. 201 00:10:09,694 --> 00:10:11,356 Okay, how about this? 202 00:10:11,357 --> 00:10:14,044 I will tell you my most humiliating story. 203 00:10:14,045 --> 00:10:16,352 Yeah, Victoria, way to step up! 204 00:10:16,353 --> 00:10:19,389 Okay, it involves a game of truth or dare, 205 00:10:19,390 --> 00:10:22,475 a squeeze-bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, 206 00:10:22,476 --> 00:10:25,708 and the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community. 207 00:10:26,371 --> 00:10:28,697 Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, 208 00:10:28,698 --> 00:10:31,188 but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. 209 00:10:31,189 --> 00:10:33,233 Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great. 210 00:10:33,355 --> 00:10:37,636 That is the greatest story ever! 211 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,757 - Oh my God! - Wow, wow! 212 00:10:40,980 --> 00:10:45,198 Victoria, I deem your offering... worthy. 213 00:10:46,159 --> 00:10:49,644 My saga... continues. 214 00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:53,175 I went back to the coffeehouse to find Shannon. 215 00:10:53,176 --> 00:10:54,169 Barney. 216 00:10:54,170 --> 00:10:55,852 Sugar Bear, where were you? 217 00:10:55,853 --> 00:11:00,116 Oh, I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go. 218 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:02,700 But the Nicaraguans need us! 219 00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:05,822 It's just, he's still supporting me, and... 220 00:11:05,823 --> 00:11:08,724 Look, he's coming by soon to talk about it, but 221 00:11:08,725 --> 00:11:10,917 I think you should go on without me. 222 00:11:10,918 --> 00:11:11,921 Shannon, there is no... 223 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:14,821 Barney, it's your dream. 224 00:11:14,976 --> 00:11:16,965 It's only two years. 225 00:11:16,966 --> 00:11:19,000 I know we can make it. 226 00:11:21,995 --> 00:11:25,565 As I walked away, I realized Shannon was an adult. 227 00:11:25,566 --> 00:11:28,020 Her father couldn't control her life. 228 00:11:28,119 --> 00:11:30,622 I had to go back and confront him. 229 00:11:34,477 --> 00:11:37,762 She was in the middle of a heated argument with her dad. 230 00:11:45,343 --> 00:11:46,713 What?! 231 00:11:48,902 --> 00:11:50,692 Now we all got to drink. 232 00:11:57,641 --> 00:12:00,301 Oh, my God. What happened next? 233 00:12:01,227 --> 00:12:02,802 I don't know, guys. 234 00:12:02,803 --> 00:12:04,376 Okay, okay. 235 00:12:04,382 --> 00:12:07,234 - Marshall's mom sent us cookies... - Lily, no! 236 00:12:07,235 --> 00:12:09,540 For the team, Marshall, for the team. 237 00:12:10,458 --> 00:12:12,841 Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily. 238 00:12:12,852 --> 00:12:16,444 Thank you so much for the delicious cookies. 239 00:12:16,472 --> 00:12:17,672 Mayonnaise. 240 00:12:17,673 --> 00:12:18,904 Really? 241 00:12:18,953 --> 00:12:20,732 Never would have guessed. 242 00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:24,030 Well, I will definitely give Marshall a kiss for you. 243 00:12:24,031 --> 00:12:25,828 Okay. Take care. 244 00:12:26,197 --> 00:12:29,426 Oh, crap. My mom sent cookies? 245 00:12:29,427 --> 00:12:30,848 Yeah. 246 00:12:30,849 --> 00:12:34,272 I wish we had a dog, so they wouldn't go to waste. 247 00:12:34,635 --> 00:12:37,666 So we've got the whole place to ourselves. 248 00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:40,222 I'm thinking floor sex. 249 00:12:40,223 --> 00:12:41,815 Sounds reasonable. 250 00:12:43,309 --> 00:12:45,453 Ooh, floor's cold. 251 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:48,055 Grab that afghan your mom made. 252 00:12:50,558 --> 00:12:52,412 The whole time? 253 00:12:52,413 --> 00:12:56,043 The... whole... time. 254 00:12:56,937 --> 00:12:59,339 Barney, that was really embarrassing for both of us. 255 00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:01,676 We just earned a huge chunk of story. 256 00:13:01,677 --> 00:13:02,567 Right. 257 00:13:02,568 --> 00:13:04,120 So where was I? 258 00:13:04,141 --> 00:13:07,662 Oh, yeah. Shannon was sucking face with her dad. 259 00:13:15,780 --> 00:13:18,527 How can... With your dad? 260 00:13:18,528 --> 00:13:23,024 I mean, I know judge not lest ye be judged, but gross! 261 00:13:23,025 --> 00:13:25,207 Barney, that's not my dad. 262 00:13:25,208 --> 00:13:27,579 His name's Greg. I've been seeing him for a few weeks. 263 00:13:27,580 --> 00:13:31,363 I was hoping you'd just leave, and we could avoid all this. 264 00:13:31,987 --> 00:13:33,579 We're breaking up? 265 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,275 But what about the Peace Corps? 266 00:13:35,276 --> 00:13:39,108 Yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase. 267 00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:40,874 Greg's older. 268 00:13:40,875 --> 00:13:42,436 He's successful. 269 00:13:42,437 --> 00:13:45,217 He buys me all this cool stuff. 270 00:13:46,064 --> 00:13:47,712 But I love you. 271 00:13:48,073 --> 00:13:49,813 But he has a boat. 272 00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:55,891 You should go to the Peace Corps and forget about me. 273 00:13:59,241 --> 00:14:00,544 I didn't go. 274 00:14:01,198 --> 00:14:04,820 That night, I recorded my video and mailed it to Shannon. 275 00:14:04,841 --> 00:14:07,534 I didn't see her until a week later. 276 00:14:07,985 --> 00:14:09,909 There's sugar in the basket. 277 00:14:12,256 --> 00:14:15,024 Shannon! Shannon, you came back! 278 00:14:15,025 --> 00:14:17,143 I'm just picking up my last paycheck. 279 00:14:17,144 --> 00:14:21,937 Oh. Did you... did you get my tape? 280 00:14:21,938 --> 00:14:23,863 Oh, she got the tape. 281 00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:25,751 You? 282 00:14:26,788 --> 00:14:28,573 It was you? 283 00:14:28,574 --> 00:14:32,466 Will I ever see another rainbow 284 00:14:32,996 --> 00:14:34,595 Oh, man. 285 00:15:51,890 --> 00:15:53,820 Oh, you poor thing. 286 00:15:53,821 --> 00:15:55,320 The story's not over. 287 00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,509 I did see Shannon one more time. 288 00:15:57,510 --> 00:15:58,474 When? 289 00:15:58,475 --> 00:15:59,205 Sorry. 290 00:15:59,406 --> 00:16:00,443 Sorry. 291 00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:04,023 You've got to tell us. 292 00:16:04,114 --> 00:16:09,221 I don't know, I think I might need one last story to get me through it. 293 00:16:10,885 --> 00:16:11,958 Fine. 294 00:16:11,959 --> 00:16:16,294 Um... oh! The green testicle story. So I was playing ultimate frisbee in college 295 00:16:16,295 --> 00:16:19,053 and there was this barefoot dude with weirdly sharp toenails... 296 00:16:19,054 --> 00:16:22,592 Oh, come on, Ted! You know what story I want to hear. 297 00:16:22,593 --> 00:16:25,539 Everyone else here has manned up tonight and told the truth. 298 00:16:25,540 --> 00:16:26,961 Why can't you? 299 00:16:28,268 --> 00:16:29,379 You're right. 300 00:16:30,460 --> 00:16:32,948 Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't told you this yet, 301 00:16:32,949 --> 00:16:37,610 but a while back, I was kind of into Robin. 302 00:16:38,115 --> 00:16:42,817 In fact, on our first date, I might have said, "I love you." 303 00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:46,692 Understandably, she freaked out and I left. 304 00:16:46,827 --> 00:16:51,011 But unfortunately, the night did not end there. 305 00:16:52,770 --> 00:16:55,926 We all ended up at the bar with our cab driver Ranjit. 306 00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,833 To one hell of a night! 307 00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:03,956 And I drank... a lot. 308 00:17:06,669 --> 00:17:09,215 So you guys think I should have kissed her? 309 00:17:09,722 --> 00:17:14,966 Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go kiss her right... now. 310 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:17,011 Yes! Do it! 311 00:17:17,012 --> 00:17:18,499 To the cab. 312 00:17:36,386 --> 00:17:37,627 Hello? 313 00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:39,037 Is someone out there? 314 00:17:48,757 --> 00:17:51,127 You ralphed and ran? 315 00:17:51,417 --> 00:17:54,442 I thought you were vomit-free since '93. 316 00:17:54,443 --> 00:17:56,085 So that was a lie? 317 00:17:57,348 --> 00:17:59,536 You re-returned for me. 318 00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:01,484 That's really sweet. 319 00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:05,203 Though you kind of ruined my customized Scherbotsky doormat. 320 00:18:05,204 --> 00:18:06,167 Sorry. 321 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,430 It's okay. 322 00:18:08,768 --> 00:18:10,063 Victoria, I know this must be... 323 00:18:10,064 --> 00:18:13,504 Yeah. It kind of is. 324 00:18:16,593 --> 00:18:19,668 Wow, Ted, you were right. You shouldn't have told that story. 325 00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,700 But you did earn yourself the right to the end of mine. 326 00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:26,433 We fast-forward eight years into the future. 327 00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:29,681 Wait, eight years, that's, that's this year. 328 00:18:29,682 --> 00:18:33,441 Marshall, not only is it this year, it's tonight. 329 00:18:43,086 --> 00:18:44,243 Hi. 330 00:18:45,926 --> 00:18:47,014 Barney? 331 00:18:47,015 --> 00:18:48,394 Hi, Shannon. 332 00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:51,149 - What are you doing here? - Just listen. 333 00:18:51,370 --> 00:18:55,014 When you left me for that guy Greg, it changed me. 334 00:18:55,015 --> 00:18:57,528 Now I'm this. 335 00:18:58,643 --> 00:19:02,623 I-I know this is crazy. It's just, you were once such a big part of my life. 336 00:19:02,624 --> 00:19:05,191 And it just seemed insane that you didn't know who I am now. 337 00:19:05,192 --> 00:19:08,128 So here I am. 338 00:19:09,597 --> 00:19:11,593 And then she told me about her life. 339 00:19:11,594 --> 00:19:15,055 She and Greg dated for a while and then split up. 340 00:19:15,205 --> 00:19:16,871 But here's the real kicker: 341 00:19:16,872 --> 00:19:18,678 Shannon's a mom. 342 00:19:18,750 --> 00:19:21,073 She has a little kid named Max. 343 00:19:21,252 --> 00:19:22,859 That's crazy. 344 00:19:23,299 --> 00:19:25,335 That could have been my kid. 345 00:19:26,046 --> 00:19:28,257 But instead, what do I have? 346 00:19:28,639 --> 00:19:31,885 My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet 347 00:19:31,886 --> 00:19:35,428 and a string of one-night stands. 348 00:19:35,913 --> 00:19:37,765 Hey. Come on. 349 00:19:37,766 --> 00:19:41,457 I mean, just because her life went one way and yours went another, 350 00:19:41,458 --> 00:19:44,146 it doesn't make your life any worse. 351 00:19:45,603 --> 00:19:47,701 My life rocks! 352 00:19:48,708 --> 00:19:52,423 Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy! 353 00:19:52,644 --> 00:19:57,540 I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment changing some brat's poopy diapers. 354 00:19:57,541 --> 00:20:01,572 But instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24-7, 365! 355 00:20:01,573 --> 00:20:03,441 You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy. 356 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,854 Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry 357 00:20:07,855 --> 00:20:10,818 on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. 358 00:20:10,819 --> 00:20:13,956 After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her. 359 00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:15,858 - Nope. - Yeah. 360 00:20:15,959 --> 00:20:16,694 - Nope. - Yeah. 361 00:20:16,695 --> 00:20:19,433 Sorry. Don't buy it. You're making it up. 362 00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:21,566 You're just trying to cover the fact that you actually had 363 00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:24,470 a profound moment of doubt about yourself and... 364 00:20:25,247 --> 00:20:27,062 - Oh, my God. - Oh, Barney! 365 00:20:27,303 --> 00:20:29,423 Video's pretty good on this phone, huh? 366 00:20:29,424 --> 00:20:30,732 Is your phone on? 367 00:20:30,733 --> 00:20:33,152 Oh, no. It just takes a while to power down. 368 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,016 Ew, gross. Just stop it. 369 00:20:38,089 --> 00:20:40,816 Ladies, gentlemen... Ted. 370 00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:43,725 This has been a wonderful evening. 371 00:20:43,726 --> 00:20:45,435 I got great dirt on all you guys. 372 00:20:45,436 --> 00:20:47,586 I got Ted to tell the re-return. 373 00:20:47,587 --> 00:20:49,511 I finally nailed Shannon! 374 00:20:49,512 --> 00:20:52,061 Told her I'd call her tomorrow. Yeah, right. 375 00:20:52,415 --> 00:20:56,216 And I rediscovered just how awesomely awesome my life is. 376 00:20:56,217 --> 00:20:57,951 Peace out, hombres! 377 00:21:01,699 --> 00:21:04,436 I think Barney just won game night. 378 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,889 We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, 379 00:21:09,890 --> 00:21:11,996 even from our closest friends. 380 00:21:11,997 --> 00:21:14,549 But those rare times when we do open up, 381 00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:18,205 it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up seeming. 382 00:21:26,958 --> 00:21:30,222 Of course, not every secret was told that night. 383 00:21:31,392 --> 00:21:33,762 But that's getting ahead of the story.